Top 5: Best put-downs

Originally published 8/11/10 in The Mancunion

5) Alex (A Clockwork Orange)

"Ho, ho, ho! Well, if it isn't fat stinking billy goat Billy Boy in poison! How art thou, thou globby bottle of cheap, stinking chip oil? Come and get one in the yarbles, if ya have any yarbles, you eunuch jelly thou!" Elaborate, Shakespearean insults are always the best, (‘yarbels’ anyone?).

4) Kim Pine (Scott Pilgrim vs. The World)
“Scott, if your life had a face, I would punch it.” Simple and to the point, Kim doesn’t mince her words in this year’s breakthrough adaptation of the hit graphic novel.

3) Bridget Jones (Bridget Jones)
"If staying here means working within ten yards of you, frankly I’d rather have a job wiping Saddam Hussein’s arse." Bridget tells her womanising boss Daniel Cleaver where to go, in a brilliantly topical and witty fashion.

2) Brick Tamland (Anchorman)
“Where'd you get your clothes from? From the, huh, toilet store?” Poor Brick, he tries so hard, I think he deserves points for effort.

1) Princess Leia (Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back)
"Why you stuck up, half witted, scruffy looking, nerf-herder." This gem managed to ruffle even the unflappable Han Solo; I reckon it has more effect on those who actually know what a ‘nerf-herder’ is though.

Top 5: Dodgy Disney Characters

Originally published 18/10/10 in The Mancunion

5) Captain Hook

I know that technically, he was created by J.M. Barrie, but the strangely Elektran relationship that he has with Wendy was highlighted beautifully in the Disney version of Peter Pan.

4) The Crows from Dumbo

The taint on an otherwise endearing animation, these two dimensional feathery bigots prove racism is never funny.

3) Timone and Pumba

Simba’s flatulent side kicks. I have two words for you: Cheap laughs. Who decided to give them a spin-off?

4) Princess Aurora

Introducing small children to the lighter side of ‘stranger danger’ since 1959. Well, ok, it turns out that Prince Phillip is a family friend and they’ve been engaged all along, but she didn’t know that did she?

5) Donald Duck

The original exhibitionist; I have never seen this dude wearing pants, yet he feels the need to wear half a sailor costume. A Little too kinky for kids if you ask me.

Top 5: Films that bring a tear to your eye

Originally published 27/09/10 in The Mancunion

5) City of Angels

Nicolas Cage plays an angel who falls in love with Meg Ryan. It actually sounds a bit comical. Trust me, it isn’t. The bicycle scene, combined with Sara McLachlan’s ‘In the Arms an Angel’ is the most depressing thing that you’ll ever see. Or hear.

4) Beauty and the Beast

A tale as old as time, a song as old a rhyme – it gets me every time.

3) The Time Traveler’s Wife

With just enough sci-fi jargon to interest even the surliest of males, (chrono-displacement anyone?), this adaptation of Audrey Niffenegger’s hit novel is tear-inducing brilliance at it’s best.

2) A Walk to Remember

The schools badass falls for sweet little good-girl Jamie. If that wasn’t enough of a story for you, she’s also kind-of dying. Nick Sparks just loves his emotional deaths. 

1) The Notebook

Nicholas Sparks continues on his mission to reduce every woman into a sobbing, Ben and Jerry’s – eating mess on the sofa, with the heartbreaking story of Noah and Allie. Not so popular with the guys but I’m sure the promise of Rachael McAdams in her bathing suit could be used to persuade most red-blooded males to give it a go.



Top 5: Worst Superhero Films

Originally Published 10/05/10 in Student Direct: The Mancunion and 4/05/10 on http://www.cookiefilmfilm.blogspot.com/

With Iron Man 2 gearing up to be a big box office hit, we sort the Ken Dolls from the Kick Asses. Instead of inspiring a wave of wannabe vigilantes, all these films inspired was the urge to change the channel, showing that unfortunately, in Superhero maths, an awesome character doesn’t always equal an awesome film.

5. Ghost Rider – Flaming hell.

 Nick Cage transforms hard-drinking badass Johnny Blaze, into a wry, bumbling and deep, lifeless drip. Not even Eva Mendes could stop this one from fading into superhero obscurity.

4. Elektra – The only real casualty was the audience.  Mythologically speaking, Elektra was the daughter of Agamemnon, and a popular figure in Greek tragedies. Unfortunately, despite reasonable casting and interesting villains, that’s what this film is; a tragedy.

3. Spiderman 3 – "With great power, comes great-" "Oh will you just shut up already?" As if the first two weren’t bad enough, Marvel Studios decided to give us yet another two and a half hours of Peter Parker being a bit of a prick, Harry being a little bit evil, and Mary Jane? Well her hair is yet, another shade of red, (is it that hard to find the same hair dye in Hollywood?).

2. The Spirit – Anything but spirited.

 Shocking that anyone would hire Eva Mendes for another hero flick, I know. A star-studded cast and an almost successful attempt at arty, comic book style shooting don’t quite make up for the ridiculous, cringe-inducing voice overs and mind numbingly boring storyline.

1. Superhero Movie – Just, why?

 If you paid to go and see this film then you deserved the hour and a half of bad jokes, terrible acting, and character assassination .Oh, and they’re making a sequel. Seriously, who keeps funding these things?

Top 5: Assassin films

Originally published in Student Direct: The Mancunion and 16/02/10 on http://www.cookiefilmfilm.blogspot.com/  

Who in their right mind doesn’t want to be an assassin? Uber-cool outfits, adrenaline-fuelled gunfire and car chases a plenty, these five films ignited a longing for black spandex and raised a collective sigh from men all around the world.

5. Smoking Aces – Colourful cast.

 A torture loving mercenary, sexy contract killers, chameleon-style master of disguise and a trio of redneck, neo-Nazi, skinheads race to take out mafia snitch Buddy ‘Aces’ Israel. Damn this guy is popular.

4. Wanted – Loom of fate?

 Secret assassin guild, ‘The Fraternity’, recruit regular Joe, James McAvoy to help catch the notorious ‘Cross’.... Oh, and they choose their targets with a magic loom. Yes a loom. As weird as it sounds, the coolness factor is saved by bullet bending, Angelina Jolie’s bath scene and peanut butter rat bombs.

3. Shoot Em Up – Death by carrot.

 Clive Owen’s ‘Mr. Smith’ uncovers a government bone-marrow racket, saves the girl and the baby, and sees anyone in his way off with a little more than their daily recommended dose of Vitamin C. BEST. WEAPON. EVER.

2. Kill Bill 1&2 – Tarantino shows that he has a knack for story telling in this epic two-part revenge saga.

 Hands up if you’ve tried the "five point palm exploding heart technique"? Awesome.

1. Pulp Fiction – ‘Bad Motherfucker’.

 Man points are awarded just for mentioning the adrenaline/heart scene. Diner robberies, murders, heroin overdoses, fixed fights, gimp rape, dance competitions and more pop culture references than you can shake a stick at. It’s been a busy day in Los Angeles.